The beginning, part IV: The boyfriend/El comienzo, parte cuatro: el novio

This can also be subtitled: "I am a complete idiot." But I'll get to that.

I've mentioned my boyfriend, Sam, a few times in previous entries. He's a big part of my story here and in the United States. The planning process for my internship and study abroad took over a year to complete. During that time, Sam went from being supportive but reluctant to being supportive and wanting me to go more than I wanted to go.

Part of my current homesickness is missing Sam. I want him to be here with me. We've discussed settling down outside of the States and he likes the idea. We're together in part for what our future could be like, but I want to be with him right now.

Our relationship progressed pretty quickly once we got together. He said "I love you" to me the night we got together. A week later I knew I was in love with him. That scared the everloving crap out of me. I can't handle being emotionally vulnerable. I was in the shower a few days before New Year's Eve in 2009 when it hit me that I was in love with him, and I cried hysterically because I was terrified of the emotion of love. I wanted to run out of the bathroom and jump out the window.

Then I told him I loved him over dinner at Carl's Jr. Which is actually not the first time I'd expressed the depths of my emotion to someone at Carl's Jr. I told my first boyfriend I loved him at a Carl's Jr. in my hometown when I was 18. It took me two months to realize it. It only took a week with Sam. And most of that week was spent fighting between my emotions and my logic.

My emotions won.

Not too long after the Carl's Jr. dinner, Sam practically lived with me in my apartment on campus. We were together almost every day. The only real time when we spent time apart was the summer, when I moved in with my best friend and her mom. I lived there the last two summers after I had to move out of campus housing. Sam stayed overnight sometimes at my friend's place.

We found an apartment across the street from San Jose State and moved in there with another close friend in July. I love my ridiculously luxurious and spacious apartment in Santo Domingo. Seriously, I could ballroom dance in the entryway. There's a third bedroom and bathroom going unused in our apartment. My only gripe is that the balcony isn't big enough for chairs. I want to sit out there and look at the sea.

But I love my small, quirky, dumpy apartment in San Jose. Even with the tiny bathroom with the leaky shower stall, lack of air conditioning, and crackling (probably lead-laced) paint. I love it because it belongs to my roommate, Sam, and me. I love it because Sam is there.

He is not here and it's making me sad.

I hate that we can't talk as much as I want us to. It got worse this weekend when the power cord for his computer broke. He can't charge and use his laptop now. I ordered a replacement cord from Ebay, but I didn't read the seller's profile. Turns out the cord is shipping from China and it won't arrive in the US until November 1, the latest November 15. I checked for other options on Ebay and they're all around the same price I paid and they also ship from China, so there's nothing I can really do.

Talking via chat and video chat on the internet is our main method of communication. I want to save my phone minutes for when I call my parents, as they don't understand the internet.

So I don't get to talk to my boyfriend for a month.

This is awful.